Here I am Again

Envy... Frustrations...

Can't I have enough?

I hate that I hate but I just can't help it.

I get angry, take it out on someone else.

Then after having calmed down, I feel soooo rotten!

Specially when it happens with my kid,

My heart aches imagining the look in the poor child's face.

God!

How Bad was I?

With the Internet getting more and more accessible, most everybody maintains at least one social network profile. Me, I have many.

Lately I have been seeing a lot of familiar faces. I see updates that he got friends with who and so on.

There have been many people that I see have been friends with a lot of my friends too except me.

And I get to think, really, how bad was I? Or have I done anything in the past to offend whoever? And I will never remember no matter how hard I try. It's funny how these people did not matter to me, and now I get offended because they do not bother to connect with me.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.
I am sooo pathetic.

Hell.

I Don't Care

But I really do!

When I am not treated with enough respect,
When I do not get credit for something good that I did,
When I am not praised for excellence,
When people do not like me because...

They'd be thinking, It's ok- she doesn't mind... she doesn't care...

But they are just too insensitive to take the apathy in my tone and actions.
I care, and seeing you not realize that I do keeps my guard up!

It's how I protect myself from hurting further, by seeming to not care when my insides are being consumed by the pain.

Just as a soldier keeps a straight face, when getting away is not an option... when his heart trembles in fear.

Alcohol and Me

I do have this problem with alcohol.

I started drinking at a very young age. And since then, a good part of my young life was spent drunk. I even owe it to alcohol why I have become a young mom. But even if I love my kid, there's still that part of me that hasn't gotten over my drinking.

Though not as often as before, I get to drink sometimes. The problem is, the long consumption of alcohol have already damaged a lot of brain cells and when I reach my alcohol limit, I often do not recall what I have done when drunk. This condition got me into a lot of trouble- I already got myself beaten, I have also hurt people. I easily get angry when drunk and I have this shitty way of handling words that bitches people.

By the next morning or afternoon, I'll be waking up with a throbbing head, vomiting or just extremely nauseous, body aching... and a couple of times- looking into the mirror with my bruised, swollen face staring back at me. At this times, when I generally hurt... it's so easy to promise myself to never take a shot again.

But after sometime, I get to go out with friends... and drink and if I get unlucky... I get stupid all over again!

Attribution: FreeFoto.com

I am Eve

I am anonymous.

I cannot dare let the world know how crazy and dark I get.

I hate so much... I hate a lot of people and myself most especially.

I hate so much I literally get nauseous. That's how I am feeling right now.

I live in a third world country where shrinks are only for mental wards and loony bins. Well, and for the well-off disturbed people who could shed off some cash to have someone to "talk to".

There you have it. I'm sick in the head and I am poor. What keeps me from loosing it totally is my family. My kids, my mom, and the very few people that I love (and still sometimes hate).

You'll be seeing a lot more of me. This starts my revelation...