Struggling Me

Here I am Again

2009-11-24T18:41:00.000-08:00

Envy... Frustrations...

Can't I have enough?

I hate that I hate but I just can't help it.

I get angry, take it out on someone else.

Then after having calmed down, I feel soooo rotten!

Specially when it happens with my kid,

My heart aches imagining the look in the poor child's face.

God!

How Bad was I?

2009-11-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

With the Internet getting more and more accessible, most everybody maintains at least one social network profile. Me, I have many.

Lately I have been seeing a lot of familiar faces. I see updates that he got friends with who and so on.

There have been many people that I see have been friends with a lot of my friends too except me.

And I get to think, really, how bad was I? Or have I done anything in the past to offend whoever? And I will never remember no matter how hard I try. It's funny how these people did not matter to me, and now I get offended because they do not bother to connect with me.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.
I am sooo pathetic.

Hell.

I Don't Care

2009-11-16T04:29:00.000-08:00

But I really do!

When I am not treated with enough respect,
When I do not get credit for something good that I did,
When I am not praised for excellence,
When people do not like me because...

They'd be thinking, It's ok- she doesn't mind... she doesn't care...

But they are just too insensitive to take the apathy in my tone and actions.
I care, and seeing you not realize that I do keeps my guard up!

It's how I protect myself from hurting further, by seeming to not care when my insides are being consumed by the pain.

Just as a soldier keeps a straight face, when getting away is not an option... when his heart trembles in fear.

Alcohol and Me

2009-11-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

I do have this problem with alcohol.

I started drinking at a very young age. And since then, a good part of my young life was spent drunk. I even owe it to alcohol why I have become a young mom. But even if I love my kid, there's still that part of me that hasn't gotten over my drinking.

Though not as often as before, I get to drink sometimes. The problem is, the long consumption of alcohol have already damaged a lot of brain cells and when I reach my alcohol limit, I often do not recall what I have done when drunk. This condition got me into a lot of trouble- I already got myself beaten, I have also hurt people. I easily get angry when drunk and I have this shitty way of handling words that bitches people.

By the next morning or afternoon, I'll be waking up with a throbbing head, vomiting or just extremely nauseous, body aching... and a couple of times- looking into the mirror with my bruised, swollen face staring back at me. At this times, when I generally hurt... it's so easy to promise myself to never take a shot again.

But after sometime, I get to go out with friends... and drink and if I get unlucky... I get stupid all over again!

Attribution: FreeFoto.com

I am Eve

2009-11-02T04:08:00.000-08:00

I am anonymous.

I cannot dare let the world know how crazy and dark I get.

I hate so much... I hate a lot of people and myself most especially.

I hate so much I literally get nauseous. That's how I am feeling right now.

I live in a third world country where shrinks are only for mental wards and loony bins. Well, and for the well-off disturbed people who could shed off some cash to have someone to "talk to".

There you have it. I'm sick in the head and I am poor. What keeps me from loosing it totally is my family. My kids, my mom, and the very few people that I love (and still sometimes hate).

You'll be seeing a lot more of me. This starts my revelation...